11 APRIL 1994

GETTING RICH IN THE 90s

Ever wondered what it would be like to forget you own life and become a prince from Eritrea or even Laos?

Well - we can't help you with that BUT we can help you impersonate one in your emails!!!!!

First thing's first. You need to create your character. There's a whole lot of options to pick from but my personal favorite is Prince Akeem from Coming to America! Remember: the better you create this character, the more convincing you will be towards your victims! We would even advise that you spend about a week method-acting to get a full feel for who your character really is.

Ensure that you have an email account. Popular providers include:

  • AOL Mail
  • Hotmail
  • Mail.com
  • Yahoo! Mail

Next, come up with a convincing story. Popular topics include:

  • You a person of wealth and position who needs to get a huge sum of money out of their country and urgently requests your assistance, in return for a sizable share of the treasure
  • Your father, the king, was gunned down during a coup, led by your uncle, and you are trying to flee the country so you and your countrymen can regroup and strategize a way to take your country back.

As a desperate personage, you need only their bank account number (to transfer the money for safekeeping) or a relatively small advance payment (to cover taxes, bank fees or well-placed bribes), or both. For their trouble, some of your millions will become their millions.

[OPTIONAL] The next one is pretty tricky but hopefully it will be possible soon. What you need to do is upload the skills of every single hacker to ever exist to your mind. This will allow you to forgo every previous step and go straight to the source yourself. Here is a link to download the files locally on your machine.

This last step is quite possibly the most important step. Without, this whole plan fails before it has even begun. MAKE SURE NO ONE IS USING THE TELEPHONE WHEN YOU ARE TRYING TO ACCESS THE INTERNET! THIS IS STILL THE 90s, REMEMBER???

But if your mom is on the phone and you have nothing to do, you might as well play some pinball or draw something on paint while you wait.